A Barrel of Laughs
by Elenhin
Summary: Movie inspired One-Shot. Young Fili and Kili are left to their own device, and in looking for food, find a barrel full of trouble instead.


**Author's Note:**This is a story from the Hobbit. Fili and Kili are hungry, and therefor goes in search of food but find trouble instead.

**Warning:** _The warning is placed here for vinsmouse, who wanted a spew warning here, claiming it might be a bad idea to drink while reading the funnier parts. So please keep in mind that drinking any kind of beverage while reading this, might be hazzard'ous to the health of your screen._

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Hobbit, nor the actual dwarves. All I own is my own three inch high Fili and Kili and they shall suffer naught for my stories…

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A Barrel of Laughs

Kili pouted where he sat on the floor, a wooden dwarf held in one hand. He was playing with Fili, or had been, but he was not in the mood to play anymore.

"I'm hungry," he declared again and Fili sighed.

"I am too," Fili told him. "But it won't be much longer now."

"You said that hours and hours ago," Kili pouted again and Fili put down his wooden sword. He had been playing at sharpening it with a stone Bofur had given him for the purpose. It really worked for in play the sword would get dents and chips in the edge, and the stone would wear them away and leave smooth wood once more. He loved the sword, as well as the wooden axe Dwalin had recently given him.

"Mum said she'd be home in time for our meal," he pointed out. "And she said to be good and we'd get a treat. She said we couldn't storm the kitchen or she'd be crossed and we wouldn't get any treats for ages."

"But we could go there," Kili suggested. "We could go there Fili, we don't have to storm it. I don't have a sword anyway. We could just go there and maybe see what there is."

"Very well," Fili gave in. Mostly because he knew Kili wouldn't leave him alone before he did so. Putting his sword in his belt and his axe on his back he took Kili by the hand and started down the corridor.

The adult dwarves were all busy and their mum had warned them that with so much happening a few things might be out of their usual order. She had warned them because Kili could be confused and Fili's attempts at comforting his brother then did not always work out as planned. The last time Kili didn't get fed Fili hadn't known why they were forgotten. All he had known was that it was long past time and his brother and he were very hungry. He'd taken his sword to storm the kitchen to feed his brother.

Their mum had not been happy about it, she'd scolded him and said he must never do so again. Bombur hadn't been happy either, but Bofur had laughed and grinned. Their Uncle Thorin had been very stern, but Fili had seen him smile just as he turned away.

Now they found the kitchen empty but with some food left out. None of it was very good though. Raw potato was not what Fili wanted to eat and he wrinkled his nose.

"Maybe we could find something else," Kili suggested hopefully as he climbed up onto the table. Several pots were standing there, but none of them contained food.

Kili pouted and Fili sighed. When Kili wasn't happy it was hard for others to be. Looking around he went to the far corner of the kitchen. It was a storage area there. It was lower than the rest of the kitchen with two steps leading down to it. Several crates and barrels were stacked there, but he knew he couldn't open them. One large barrel stood with the lid off though so he dragged a crate closer so he could climb up and try to see what was in it.

Sniffing the air he thought it was ale, but he wasn't sure so he tried to climb up further. He braced one foot on the iron band around the barrel and steadied himself against the wall with one hand while he clutched the rim of the barrel with the other.

It was ale and he grinned. Food didn't seem so important anymore. He really liked ale, he liked it a lot even if his mum said he liked it too much. Leaning forward he tried to reach his hand into the barrel so he could reach the ale.

"Is it food Fili?" Kili's high pitched plea startled him and he lost his balance. He tried to catch himself but failed to and fell head first into the barrel with a big splash.

"Uh oh," Kili pouted again. "Mum is gonna be mad you're wet Fili," he declared. Then the little dwarfling frowned as he regarded the barrel that had swallowed his brother whole.

"Fili?" he went over to tap at the barrel. "Fili, come back, I'm still hungry."

There was a lot of splashing in the barrel and Kili frowned. That was not good.

Fili was struggling to get out of the barrel but kept sinking to the bottom of the ale. He'd swallowed a good deal as he first fell in, and now he managed to kick his way to the surface, grabbing a hold on the edge but it was wet and slippery. "Help Kili," he pleaded. "I'm drowning."

"Can't you drink it?" Kili suggested cheerfully. "I want some too."

"There's too much, help," he slipped under the surface again as his fingers lost their precious hold.

Kili frowned, if there was too much ale in the barrel, it had to be let out. There was a plug in it, and that was how it was got out. That much he knew. He'd seen Dwalin take out the plug with one swift blow of the hammer several times. He loved seeing it and had always wanted to try it. Getting a heavy skillet from the table he brought it down on the plug. It took several tries, and he hit the floor as well, but then the plug came out and he cried jubilantly as the ale poured out of the barrel in a thick amber stream.

He tasted some, but really thought milk was better.

Finally the ale no longer came out and he decided it was probably enough. He was standing in a deep pole of ale. It hadn't reached up into the kitchen, but it was deep in the storage area.

"Fili?" he called.

"Yeah?" his voice sounded funny from inside the barrel and Kili giggled.

"I'm still hungry," he reminded his brother in case he had forgotten.

"I can't get out," Fili whined. The inside of the barrel was much too high, and it was not comfortable to sit in a puddle of ale.

"Oups," Kili bit his lip, that was not good. He also realized that their mum was likely to decide that a floor deep in ale meant they had not been good. If so, there would not be a treat and that was enough to bring him to tears.

"Kili," Fili thought he could hear his brother sniffing.

"Mum will be mad," Kili whimpered.

"I will say it was my fault," Fili decided. It was his duty as big brother to protect Kili. Both their uncle and Dwalin said so, and Bofur said it was true. Then also he was the one in the barrel which meant blaming Kili would be impossible anyway.

"Okay," Kili stopped crying. "Maybe we can make them less mad if we make it clean again," he decided and Fili didn't bother to try and stop him. He didn't see how he could make anything worse. Kili took the skillet he had used to get the plug out and put it upside down on the crate Fili had been standing on. Then he grabbed a small pot and filled it with ale from the floor.

Fili had just had himself another drink of ale when he got the entire contents of the pot pouring down over his head. The level in the barrel rose and more poured out of the hole.

"What are you doing Kili?" he frowned.

"I'm putting the ale back so they won't be mad," Kili beamed. He jumped back into the puddle, ale splashing high. He filled the pot again and climbed up onto the crate, emptying the pot into the barrel where Fili ducked his head as he was drenched once more. He watched it gush out of the hole idly wondering if Kili would figure out that any ale he put back in would pour back out.

Kili continued to jump down to fill his pot and then empty it in the barrel, and all the ale he was drinking made Fili feel somewhat giddy.

Thorin who had been looking for his nephews didn't take long in wandering to the kitchen. The two of them tended to make their presence known anywhere they went. They were hard to overlook, so if someone said they had not seen them it generally meant they were not there. Kili more than Fili though. Kili was louder and harder to overlook. Fili was more quiet and a lot harder to catch in the act.

Everyone had said Fili was the quiet one and that you didn't need to worry about what he might be up to, Thorin had learnt that it meant you had to worry all the more. You heard what Kili was up to, Fili took you by surprise.

Still, the two of them were likely to search for food, so he headed towards the kitchen, and a quick look inside revealed Kili's presence in the form of a giggle. Stepping inside he watched as his youngest nephew stood on a crate in the storage area. He also noted with a frown how the same area was a foot deep in ale. Kili jumped down into the puddle, scooped up a potful of ale and climbed back up onto the crate and a frying pan to pour the ale into the barrel.

He watched as it poured back out, something Kili was oblivious too. He also watched as Kili did the same thing again and he wondered where Fili was. Then a squeal and a choked cough came from the barrel and he sighed. Once more it was proven, Fili might be the quiet one, but he got into the worse mess.

Walking through the kitchen he stepped down into the ale pool and lifted Kili who grinned as he saw him, then froze looking worried.

Peering into the barrel Thorin saw Fili still coughing, completely drenched in ale. He carried Kili back up into the kitchen and put him down to sit on the edge of the table. He was wet with ale but not near as soaked as Fili was. Going back down he reached into the barrel and fished out his oldest nephew who looked up at him with red terrified eyes. His lower lip was trembling and his eyes were shot through with red but Thorin rather thought that was because of the ale that had gotten into them.

He put Fili down beside Kili and watched how ale dripped from him to form a puddle on the floor.

"Do I even want to know what the two of you were doing?" he asked.

"I was hungry," Kili stated in a small voice. Fili's silence beside him worried him. "I'm still hungry."

"So you put your brother in an ale barrel?" Thorin asked.

"I put myself there, it was all my fault," Fili said, suddenly he spoke all in a rush. "Kili was hungry, and mum said to be good. But we went here to see if there was food, we weren't bad, we were gonna be good, but we were hungry. And there was no food, but there was a barrel and I was just seeing if it was food, then I was just gonna have a sip, but I fell."

Kili interrupted him here by giggling. "Splash," he declared cheerfully.

"There was so much I couldn't get back out, but Kili got the plug out," Fili went on, panting for breath between words. "He got it out, but I couldn't get out, and we were scared you would be mad, so Kili was just trying to put the ale back, but I couldn't get out."

Thorin swallowed, realizing that Fili might very well have drowned had not Kili been able to get the plug out. The barrel was certainly deep enough for it. The barrel shouldn't have been left open, Fili shouldn't have been trying to drink from it, but an open barrel like it should not have been left unattended. Fili was not the only curious dwarfling. Gimli was smaller than either of them and might easily have fallen in in his curiosity. He doubted Bombur would have left it unattended, he had little ones of his own and had a good idea of what was dangerous. Also, he was used to them visiting him in the kitchen. He was very careful about leaving things like sharp knives and hot pots unattended. He wasn't likely to leave an open barrel of ale like it.

The problem was that with so many things going on a lot of people were acting without knowing what the others were doing and thus oversights were being made.

He counted himself lucky that both were alive and healthy and found he couldn't be mad at them. Their only fault was hunger and curiosity.

Fili reeked of ale, and he doubted one single bath would fix that, it would probably take a dozen or so. That meant there was no way of keeping Dis from finding out, could Kili even be counted on not to blurt it out.

"Are either of you hurt?" he asked and they shook their heads, Fili sending drops of ale flying from his hair as he did so. He then proceeded to hiccup but he did not appear drunk. Perhaps a little giddy but he was obviously learning to hold his ale.

At the moment that thought made Thorin smile. He put Kili down on the floor, then lifted the ale soaked dwarfling into his arms. "You two come with me, I think you both need a bath before you need food."

"But I'm really bathed," Fili objected carefully. "I've got to be clean."

"You're soaked in ale Fili, that is not clean," he smiled. "And no argument. I'm not mad at you yet, but a bath it is, you too Kili."

"Are you gonna say to mum we were bad?" Kili wanted to know.

"No, but we are going to have a good talk about things you are not supposed to do," Thorin decided. "But I don't think you were entirely at fault here." Fili was still hiccupping, obviously though he was growing he had had a little too much ale just the same.

"Not supposed to be hungry," Kili stated.

"You're not supposed to go crawling into barrels even if you are hungry," Thorin stated.

"Didn't crawl in, fell in," Fili hiccupped.

"We will talk later Fili," Thorin told him. He heated water for a bath and started to help Kili undress while Fili looked at the tub, then climbed in fully dressed.

"Fili?" Thorin raised an eyebrow.

"If I need to wash my clothes do to," he stated. "I'm trying to be good."

"Yes, I know you are," he nodded. "But take your clothes off,"

Fili nodded and started stripping of his clothes as Kili joined him in the tub. Thorin gave the soap to Fili while he gathered up the clothes. Fili started to wash Kili, scrubbing him clean and taking out his braids so he could wash his hair for him. Only when Kili was clean and sat playing in the water did Fili start to wash himself.

When they climbed out of the tub Kili smelled of soap while Fili smelled of ale and a hint of soap. He dressed them in clean clothing before taking them to Bombur whom he knew would be able to see them fed. He had to make sure there were no more accidents such as the one that had just occurred. The floor of the kitchen was still floating with ale, but whoever had left the barrel open and unattended could just be the one to clean it up. He knew that Gloin and Bombur both felt the same way, thinking about their own little ones.

He didn't look forward to explaining it to Dis as he allowed Bombur to take charge of the lads.

"See if you can feed them, then if you can get any use out of them, feel free to put them to work," he told Bombur who smiled.

"Well, I'm sure I can find a scrap or two," the fat dwarf smiled. He lifted them up to sit on the table and within seconds both were juggling bowls, mugs and chunks of meat and bread.

Thorin continued, he would have to find Dis first, it was better not to put it off, and then he'd find a quiet corner somewhere where he could laugh at the image of Kili pouring pot after pot of ale into a barrel where it just gushed out again, and poor Fili sitting half drenched at the bottom of it.

_**The End**_

_Please review, the Cricket is hungry…_


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